Kisah 2 Astronot
Alkisah Ada 2 Orang Astronot Yang Mau Pergi Kebulan
Sebut Saja Mereka Astronot 1 dan 2
Astronot 1 : Uey Lu Udah kemas" barang apa belom? besok kita berangkat ke bulan loh...
Astronot 2 : Sudah kok Mas Bro.
Astronot 1 : Bagus Deh..
Astronot 2 : kenapa sich kita mesti ke bulan..?
kan udah banyak astronot yang pergi ke bulan...kenapa gak kita coba pergi ke matahari aja..??
Astronot 1 : Begok..jangankan nyampe matahari kita deket matahari aja uda meleleh..
Astronot 2 : kalok begitu kita perginya malan hari aja..
Merayu Ala Email
Si Asep sedang membaca emailnya, dan ada artikel menarik tentang cara berkenalan dengan (baca: merayu) cewek. Salah satunya adalah dengan memulai perbincangan seperti berikut :
Cowok : "Maaf, mbak. Mbak punya obeng, ngga?"
Cewek : "Ha? Nggak.."
Cowok : "Kalo nomer hp punya kan?"
.........................
Akhirnya, Asep Surasep ingin mencoba "rayuan maut" tersebut.
Dan... Di suatu taman...
Asep : "Maaf, mbak. Mbak punya obeng nggak?"
Cewek : "Punya... Mau yang plus atau minus?"
Asep : "Eh?!?,..ngg..yang minus aja mbak. Kalo palu punya nggak?"
Cewek : "Punya juga.. nih.."
Asep : "(Damn..) ?? Kalo kunci inggris, ada nggak?" (dengan penuh pengharapan agar si cewek menjawab "tidak")
Cewek : "Ooo.. itu juga ada... dari ukuran 10 sampai 20. Mas mau yang mana?"
Asep : "(buset...).. DAAMMMN...!! F&^%**K.... To the point aja deh, mbak. Mbak punya nomer hape nggak?"
Cewek : "Ooo.. ini.. (sambil menyodorkan kartu nama dan brosur Ace hardware). Kalo mas butuh perkakas, hubungi saya aja. Saya kebetulan di bagian sales Ace Hardware, pusat perkakas yang terlengkap. Ace hardware gitu lho!!!..."
Asep : "....nasiiib...." (sambil pergi dengan tertunduk lesu..)
Pasangan Ababil Lagi Pacaran
Cewe: Saayaaang, kemaren aku lihat kamu selingkuh looohh..
Cowo: Ihhh kok ga negor sih, sombong deh!
Cewe: Iya, soalnya takut salah orang, hihihi.. maaf ya sayang.. (sambil meluk cowoknya)
Berapa Panjang 'Burung' Orang Arab
Saking sayangnya sama pacarnya, Rio rela penisnya ditatto dengan tulisan nama pacarnya, "WENDY". Setelah berhasil membuat tatto, hasilnya sangat memuaskan dan ketika alat vitalnya itu lagi "tidur" yang terbaca cuma huruf "WY" tapi kalo lagi ereksi akan terbaca dengan jelas yaitu "WENDY".
Suatu saat kebetulan dia ketemu dengan orang dari negara Arab di sebuah toilet bar, karena pipis bersebelahan Rio melirik orang Arab tersebut yang ternyata juga ada tatto bertuliskan "WY" di penisnya, sama persis dengan tatto miliknya. Karena penasaran kemudian Rio nekat bertanya kepada orang Arab itu.
"Maaf tuan, pacar tuan namanya Wendy ya?"
"Oh.. bukan..", kata orang Arab.
Terus Rio berkata,"Tatto di punya saya juga sama "WY". Nih liat punya saya....", kata Rio sambil menunjukkan dan sedikit memainkan penisnya sehingga terbaca "WENDY".
"Ini nama pacar saya lho.." kata Rio
"Kalau tatto saya tulisannya bukan WENDY.." kata orang Arab itu.
Orang Arab tersebut kemudian berusaha untuk membuat "tegang" miliknya.
"Naah.. sekarang ente baca saja sendiri....", kata orang Arab itu.
Rio kaget setengah mati, karena terbaca tulisan :
"WELCOME TO SAUDI ARABIA AND HAVE A NICE DAY"
Orang Gaptek Beli HP
Pada suatu hari, si Paijo, orang dari desa dateng ke kota. Rencananya dia mau beli HP.
Paijo: Mbak, saya mau beli hp.
Sales: Ini mas..
Paijo: Loh? kok nggak nyala?
Sales: Oh, ini belum ada kartunya pak..
Paijo: Oh ya udah,saya beli kartunya
Setelah itu, Paijo pulang ke kampungnya. Tapi, ternyata hp tersebut nggak bisa dipake buat nelepon. Dengan terpaksa Paijo balik lagi ke tokonya.
Paijo: Kamu ini gimana? Kok hp ini gak bisa dipake nelepon di kampung saya?
Sales: Oh, mungkin di kampungnya mas belum ada sinyal, jadi nggak bisa.
Paijo: Lah, kamu kok nggak bilang kemaren? Ya udah saya beli sinyalnya sekalian, jualan kok sendiri-sendiri gitu...
Sales: ???????
Gallery I Tsubasa Amami - 天海つばさ
Name: Tsubasa Amami - 天海つばさ
Zodiac: Pisces
Nationality: Japan
Birthday: March 8, 1988
Blood Type: B
Height: 160 cm
Measurements: 85-60-88 cm
Indonesia Pencipta Touch Screen
Ternyata Technology "Touch Screen" penemu pertamanya adalah pengusaha Warung Nasi Tegal (WARTEG). Ini kisahnya:
Pada suatu saat seorang Ilmuwan Manca Negara makan di WARTEG. Setiap PENGUNJUNG yang datang ditanya oleh Pelayan Warteg:
Pelayan: "Makan pake apa?"
Pengunjung menempelkan jarinya ke kaca (menunjuk makanan di baliknya)
Pelayan: "Makan pake apa lagi?"
Pengunjung menempelkan jarinya ke kaca lagi.
Pelayan: "Apa lagi?"
Pengunjung kembali menempelkan jarinya ke kaca...
Beberapa detik kemudian makananpun sudah siap tersaji. SANG ILMUWAN pun berdecak kagum, ternyata technology di Indonesia luar biasa majunya. Tak ayal lagi merekapun menjiplaknya untuk TV, Laptop, PDA, Blackberry Torch dan Ipad
Susu Istri yang Putih
Orang dari Papua merantau ke Jakarta dan bersekolah di Bandung yang akhirnya mendapatkan wanita bandung yang putih mulus. Dan memutuskan untuk menetap di Bandung.
Setelah menjadi kaya dan mempunyai anak umur 3 bulan bapaknya dari papua di ajak tinggal di Bandung. Istrinya yang sedang menyusui anaknya di perhatikan oleh sang bapak suaminya dan melihat terus kearah buah dadanya. Karena risih sang istri melaporkan ke suaminya.
Pikiran bapak yang tidak biasanya melihat buah dada yang putih mulus. Karena di Papua selalu melihat yang hitam, selalu terbayang-bayang.
Istri : tadi ketika saya menyusui bapakmu memperhatiakan buah dada saya terus.
Suami : ngga papalah dia kan sudah tua. Buat apa terlalu di pikirkan.
Esok harinya sang istri menyusui kembali sang anak melihat bapak suaminya memperhatikan kembali buah dadanya tetapi tidak di hiraukan oleh sang istri. Akhirnya sang istri ketiduran. Dan dia kaget ketika bangun yang menyusui ada dua orang sang anak dan si bapak suaminya. Akhirnya dia melaporkan bapaknya tersebut ke suaminya.
Sang suami akhirnya bertanya kepada bapaknya,
Suami : bapak kenapa mengganggu istri beta???
Bapaknya : siapa yang mengganggu istrimu???
Suami : bapak kenapa menyusu di istri beta?
Bapaknya : kau ini tak tau diri, kau menyusu di istriku selama 2 taon bapak tak marah, bapak hanya 1 jam menyusu di isrti mu kenapa kau marah?
Suami : ???????????
Britney Spears - Sometimes
You tell me you're in love with me
Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't want to stay
But every time you come too close I move away
I wanna believe in everything you say
'Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me you just have to know
[CHORUS]
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time
I don't wanna be so shy
Every time that I'm alone I wonder why
Hope that you will wait for me
You'll see that you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me you just have to know
[CHORUS]
Jest hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you
[CHORUS]
Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me
Hey over there
Please forgive me
If I’m coming on too strong
Hate to stare
But you’re winning
And they’re playing my favorite song
So come here
A little closer
Wanna whisper in your ear
Make It clear
Little question
Wanna know just how you feel
If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
Cause you feel like paradise
I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
Hey You might think
That I’m crazy
But I you know I’m just your type
I’mma be a little hazy
But you just cannot deny
There’s a spark in between us
When we’re dancing on the floor
I want more
Wanna see It
So I’m asking you tonight
If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
Cause you feel like paradise
I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
If I said I want your body
Would It Hold It Against Me?
(Yeah)
(Ah)
(Oh)
Gimme something good
Don't wanna wait I want It now (na-na-now)
Pop It like a hood
And show me how you work It out
(alright)
If I said my heart was beating loud
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
Cause you feel like paradise
I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me
Britney Spears - Till The World Ends
This kicked in got your tongue tied in knots i see
Spit it out cuz im dying for company
I notice that you got it
You notice that I want it
You know that I could take it to the next level ba-by
If you want this good s***
Sicker than the remix
Baby let me blow your mind tonight
*I cant take it take it take no more
never felt like felt like this before
c'mon get me get me on the floor
DJ what you what you waitin' for.
WOAH OH OH OH OH OH WOAH OH OH OH...
watch me move when I loose when I loose it hard
get you off with the touch dancing in the dark
you notice what im wearing
I notice that you are staring
you know that I can take it to the next level baby
harder than the A-list
next one on my hit list
baby let me blow your mind tonight!
I cant take it take it take no more
never felt like felt like this before
c'mon get me get me on the floor
DJ what you what you waitin' for.
WOAH OH OH OH OH OH WOAH OH OH OH..
see the sunlight
we aint stoppin'
keep on dancing till the world ends
if you feel it let it happen
keep on dancing till the world ends.
keep on daancin' till the world ends
keep on daancin' till the world ends
WOAH OH OH OH OH OH WOAH OH OH OH..
see the sunlight
we aint stoppin'
keep on dancing till the world ends
if you feel it let it happen
keep on dancing till the world ends.
Britney Spears - I Wanna Go
Lately I've been stuck imaginin'
What I wanna do and what I really think, time to flow out
Be a little inappropriate
Cause I know that everybody's thinkin' it when the lights out
[Bridge]
Shame on me
To need release
Un-uncontrollably
[Chorus 2×]
I-I-I wanna go-o-o, all the way-ay-ay
Takin' out my freak tonight
I-I-I wanna show-ow-ow
All the dirt-ir-irt
I got running through my mind-mind
Lately people got me all tied up
There's a countdown waiting for me to erupt
Time to blow out
I've been told who I should do it with
To keep both my hands above the bl-an-ket
when the lights oout
{Bridge}
{Chorus 2×}
Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shame on me (Shame on me)
To need release (To need release)
Un-uncontrollably (Uncontrollably-lably-lably-lably...)
{Chorus 2×}
...Whoa
Jennifer Lopez ft. Fabolous - Get Right
[Verse 1:]
Ya lookin' just a little too hard at me
Standin' just a little too close to me
Ya sayin not quite enough to me
Ya sippin' just a little too slow for me
No doubt ya playin' real cool homie
Got me thinkin' what is it you do for me
Trippin' (trippin') a little more than I should be
So let ya self go and get right with me
[Chorus:]
I'm about to sign you up, we can get right
Before the night is up, we can get
get riiiiiiiight get riiiiiiight, we can get right
I'm about to fill your cup, we can get right
Before the night is up, we can get riiiiiiight toniiiiiiight, we can get right
Do you want more? [4x]
[Verse 2:]
Ya lips talkin' bout I play too much
Can't a woman take advantage of what she wants
My hips movin' oh so slow
Bar tab lookin like a car note
All I need is you here right by my side
Take whatever ya want, baby let's ride
And whatever ya won't do let me decide.
Just put ya name on the dotted line
[Chorus:]
I'm about to sign you up, we can get right
Before the night is up, we can get
get riiiiiiiight get riiiiiiight, we can get right.
I'm about to fill your cup, we can get right
Before the night is up, we can get riiiiiiight toniiiiiiight, we can get right
[Bridge:]
So much we've got to say
But so little time
And if tonight ain't long enough
Don't leave love behind (Don't leave love behind)
Take my hand, I'll show you why
[Chorus x3:]
I'm about to sign you up, we can get right
Before the night is up, we can get riiiiiiight get riiiiiiight, we can get right.
I'm about to fill your cup, we can get right
Before the night is up, we can get riiiiiiight toniiiiiiight, we can get right
Jennifer Lopez - Jenny From The Block
Children grow and women producing
Men go working
Some go stealing
Everyone's got to make a living
L O X
J. Lo
We off the block this year
Went from a little to a lot this year
Everybody mad at the rocks that I wear
I know where I'm goin' and I know where I'm from
You hear LOX in your ear
Yea, we're at the airport out decline from the block
Where everybody air-forced-out
With a new white Tee, you fresh
Nothin' phony with us, make the money, get the mansion, bring the homies with us
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
>From In Living Color and movie scripts
To On the 6 to J. Lo to this headline clips
I stayed grounded as the amounts roll in
I'm real, I thought I told you
I really been on Oprah
That's just me
Nothin phony, don't hate on me
What you get is what you see
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
I'm down to earth like this
Rockin this business
I've grown up so much
I'm in control and loving it
Rumors got me laughing, kid
Love my life and my public
Put God first
Then can't forget to stay real
To me it's like breathing
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
It take hard work to cash checks
So don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, now assets
You get back what you put out
Even if you take the good route
Can't count the hood out
After a while, you know who to blink with
Just keep it real with the ones came in with
Best thing to do is stay low, LOX and J.Lo
Act like they don't, but they know
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from (from the Bronx!)
Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull - On The Floor
[Pitbull]
Hey oh ay oh ay
Let's take the whole world on a ride
J-LO! ya tu sabe no es mas nada
Hey oh ay oh ay
Let's take the whole world on a ride
Mr. worldwide
Dale get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Dale I want the whole world to
Get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Dale get on the floor
Darling I want the whole world to
Get on the floor
I'm loose
And everybody knows I get off the train
Baby it's the truth
I'm like inception I play with your brain
So I don't sleep I snooze
I don't play no games so don't get it confused no
Cuz you will lose yeah
Now pump it up
And back it up like a Tonka truck
That badonka donk is like a trunk full of bass on an old school Chevy 7 trail donka truck
All I need is some vodka and some chunka coke
And watch a chick get donkey konged
Baby if you're ready for things to get heavy
I get on the floor and act a fool if you let me dale
Don't believe me just vet me
My name ain't Keith but I see why you Sweat me
L.A. Miami New York
Say no more get on the floor
[Jennifer Lopez]
Dance the night away
Live your life and stay out on the floor
Dance the night away
Grab somebody drink a little more
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
I know you gotta clap your hands on the floor
And keep on rocking work it up on the floor
If you're a criminal kill it on the floor
Steal it quick on the floor
On the floor
Don't stop keep it moving put your drinks up
It's getting ill it's getting sick on the floor
We never quit we never rest on the floor
If I ain't rolling I may die on the floor
Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza
Straight to L.A. New York
Vegas to Africa
Dance the night away
Live your life and stay out on the floor
Dance the night away
Grab somebody drink a little more
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
Freak it off kick it up
Raise the roof wreck the dancehall
Rip these walls light it up
Make some noise ohhh
Dance the night away
Live your life and stay out on the floor
Dance the night away
Grab somebody drink a little more
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
Tonight we gon' be it on the floor
Timbaland ft. Katy Perry - If We Ever Meet Again
What's somebody like you, doin in a place like this?
Say, did you come alone, or did you bring all your
friends?
Say, what's your name, what you drinking
I think I know what you're thinking
Baby what's your sign, tell me yours I'll tell you mine
Say, what's somebody like you doing in a place like
this?
(1, 2, 3, come on!)
I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again!
Won't let you get away,
Said if we ever meet again
This free fa-ll's,
Got me so-oh!
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go!
I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again
Say if we ever meet again
Do you come here much?
I swear I've seen your face before (before, yeah)
Hope you don't see me blush,
but I can't help but want you more, more
Baby, tell me, what's your story?
I ain't shy, don't you worry
I'm flirtin with my eyes,
wanna leave with you tonight
So do you come here much?
I gotta see your face some more... some more
Cause baby-
I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again!
Won't let you get away,
Said if we ever meet again
This free fa-ll's,
Got me so-oh!
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go!
I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again
If we ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
(if we ever meet again)
If we ever meet again
Won't let you go away
(said if we ever meet again)
If we ever ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
(say if we ever meet again)
If we ever ever meet again
Won't let you go away
I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again
Won't let you get away,
Said if we ever meet again
This free fa-ll's,
Got me so-oh!
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go!
I'll never be the same..
If we ever meet again!
I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again!
Won't let you get away,
Said if we ever meet again
This free fa-ll's,
Got me so-oh!
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go!
I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again
The Black Eyed Peas - Just Can't Get Enough
Boy I think about it every night and day
I'm addicted wanna jump inside your love
I wouldn't wanna have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
Honey got a sexy on steamin
She givin hotness a new mean
Perfection mama you gleamin
Inception you got a brother dreamin dreamin
Damn, baby I'm beamin
I'm tryna holler at you, I'm screamin
Let me love you down this evenin
Love me, love me you know you are my demon
Girl we could form a team and
I could be the king you could be the queen and
My mind's dirty and it don't need cleanin
I love you long time so you know the meanin
Oh baby I can't come down so please come help me out
You got me feelin high and I can't step off the cloud
And I just can't get enough
Boy I think about it every night and day
I'm addicted wanna jump inside your love
I wouldn't wanna have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
Honey got me runnin like I'm Flo Jo
Signs her name on my heart with an X-O
Love's so sweet got me vexed oh
I wanna wish it right back like presto, yes
Meantime I wait for the next time
She come around 'fore I toast to the best time
We lol back and forth on the text line
She got me fishin for her love I confess I'm
Somethin bout her smile and that combo
Got me high and I ain't comin down yo
My heart's pumpin out louder than electro
She got me feelin like Mr. Roboto
Oh baby I can't come down so please come help me out
You got me feelin high and I can't step off the cloud
And I just can't get enough
Boy I think about it every night and day
I'm addicted wanna jump inside your love
I wouldn't wanna have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough
This is mega switch up
Switch Up
Switch Up
I just can't
Switch up
Not
Sunk in your bed rock
Caught
Up in your love shock
Knocked
Out by your cold shot
I'm stuck in your head like
Switch up
Can't get out won't when
Makin me feign, give it to me
I want it all, know what I mean
Your love is a dose of ecstasy
Switch up
Addicted
I can't get
Away from
You
Afflicted
I need it
I'm missin
Switch up
I want your lovin right next to me
And I can't
Erase ya out of my memory
I just can't
Switch up
Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you
Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here
I can be tough, I can be strong
But with you, it's not like that at all
There's a girl that gives a shit
Behind this wall, you just walk through it
And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running though my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here
I love the way you are
It's who I am, don't have to try hard
We always say, say it like it is
And the truth is that I really miss
All those crazy things you said
You left them running though my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here
No, I don't wanna let go, I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go, let go, oh, oh
No, I don't wanna let go, I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go, let go, let go, let go
Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go
Let go, let go, let go
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you near, near, near
I wish you were here
Katy Perry ft. Kanye West - E.T.
I got a dirty mind
I got filthy ways
I’m tryin’ to bathe my ape
In your milky way
I’m a legend
I’m irreverent
I’ll be reverend
I’ll be so far up
We don’t give a fuck
Welcome to the danger zone
Step into the fantasy
You are not invited
To the other side of sanity
They callin’ me an alien
a big-headed astronaut
Maybe it’s because
your boy yeezy get ass a lot
You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel
Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing
They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you
You’re from a whole ‘nother world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light
Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your loving
Fill me with your poison
Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be your victim
Ready for abduction
Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
You’re so supersonic
Wanna feel your power
Stun me with your laser
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic
You’re from a whole ‘nother world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light
Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your loving
Fill me with your poison
Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be your victim
Ready for abduction
Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
I know a bar out in Mars
Where they drivin’ spaceships instead of cars
Cop a Prada space suit about the stars
Getting stupid high straight up out the jars
Pockets on Shrek
Rockets on deck
Tell me what's next
Alien sex?
I’ma disrobe you
Then I’ma probe you
See I abducted you
So I tell you what to do
I tell you what to do
What to do
What to do
Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your loving
Fill me with your poison
Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be your victim
Ready for abduction
Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial
Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial
Istri Tua yang Apes
Nyonya Heni setahun belakangan uring-uringan terus. Ini lantaran suaminya beristri lagi dan hari-hari sang suami senantiasa dihabiskan di rumah istri mudanya. Sengaja Nyonya Heni tidak minta cerai karena dia optimis bahwa suaminya bakal bisa dia rebut kembali dari cengkeraman istri muda. Berbagai upaya pun dilakukan Nyonya Heni untuk mendapatkan kembali mutiaranya yang hilang. Usahanya antara lain dengan menyewa mata-mata untuk mengumpulkan informasi sebanyak mungkin tentang kehidupan suaminya dengan sang istri muda, termasuk informasi rahasia ranjang mereka: "kenapa sang suami sampai lengket betul dengan istri muda?"
Selidik punya selidik, si mata-mata berhasil mendapatkan informasi yang sangat akurat tentang mengapa suami Nonya Heni begitu betah di kamar tidur istri muda. Rupanya, dalam setiap kali ritual hubungan biologis, si istri muda selalu mengawalinya dengan permainan yang mereka biasa sebut "American Breakfast". Konkretnya, si istri muda menyediakan tubuh polosnya seperti sepotong roti dan di meja samping tempat tidur selalu tersedia berbagai jenis selai (ada selai nanas, selai srikaya, selai strawberi) dan juga messes coklat. Selanjutnya, sang suami tinggal menikmati "rotinya" dengan pilihan rasa sesuai selera pada hari itu.
"Silakan hero-ku kau mau sarapan roti dengan rasa apa, tinggal pilih saja," begitu rayu si istri muda. Jika pas sedang pingin rasa nanas, sang suami akan mengoleskan selai nanas di atas "roti" dan melahapnya habis-habisan. Di hari lain, sang suami pingin "roti" dengan selai srikaya bertabur messes, dan seterusnya.
Mendengar laporan mata-mata tadi, Nyonya Heni pun tidak mau kalah set. Dia sadar usianya sudah tidak muda lagi, namun rasa optimisnya mengalahkan kesadaran akan usia dan bentuk tubuhnya. Dibelinya berbagai macam selai dan messes di supermarket dan ditatanya dengan rapi di kamar tidur. Pas jadwal suaminya pulang ke sarang yang lama, Nyonya Heni pun segera mempersiapkan dirinya. Dilucutinya segala jenis pakaiannya dan jadilah dia sepotong "roti" di tempat tidur.
Begitu suaminya masuk kamar, Nyonya Henipun membuka acara "sarapan" dengan berkata:
"Silakan sayangku, kau mau sarapan roti dengan model dan rasa apa, tinggal pilih saja."
"Well" jawab suaminya, "Hari ini kayaknya aku ingin roti dengan margarin lalu dipanggang sampai gosong!!"
Seorang Dokter dan Tukang Langganannya
Seorang dokter baru pulang ke rumah tengah malam, dan menemukan toiletnya mampet.
Dia berkata kepada istrinya, "Biar saya telepon Pak Broto tukang langganan kita"
Tapi istrinya berkata, "Jam 2 pagi mau nelpon tukang? Yang benar aja Pa!"
Si dokter menjawab dengan santai, "Lha memangnya kenapa? Saya juga sering dipanggil pasien jam segini"
Jadi dia menelpon sang tukang yang ngomel-ngomel karena harus datang jam segitu. Si dokter kembali mengatakan hal yang sama kepada tukangnya, "Aku sering dipanggil tengah malam, kenapa anda tidak?"
Pukul 3:30 sang tukang tiba dengan mata merah. Sang dokter mengantarnya ke toilet yang mampet itu. Si tukang mengambil 2 butir tablet dari sakunya, menjatuhkannya ke dalam toilet dan berkata, "Kalau tidak ada perubahan, telepon saya nanti siang!"
Tebakan Ayam
Andi : "Bawa apa kamu di keranjangmu itu?"
Tono : "Ayam. Coba tebak, berapa jumlahnya? Kalo tebakanmu benar, dua ekor ayam yang kubawa ini semuanya aku kasih kamu!"
Andi : "Benar ya? Jangan bohong loh."
Tono : "Tidak mungkin lah aku bohong. Tebak berapa?"
Andi : "Emmmm...tiga?
Bahasa Inggris ala Bu Joko
Istri Joko dalam perjalanan pulang dari Sidney marah2 karena ada pramugari yang menumpahkan minuman saat melayani penumpang. Minuman itu juga mengenai baju istri Joko. Seorang Pramugari seniornya (Chief Flight Attendance's) mencoba membantu rekannya tersebut.
CFA : sorry for any inconvenience our services, madame.
(maaf atas ketidak nyamanan pelayanan kami, Nyonya)
Istri Joko : You don't follow mix..Your children fruit, stupid not play...!!!
CFA : terheran2 dan bingung mendengar perkataan tersebut.
Akhirnya Joko pun segera turun tangan membantu mengartikan ucapan isterinya :
Kamu jangan ikut campur, anak buahmu bodohnya bukan main..
Saingan Korupsi
Ada pejabat Indonesia berkunjung ke China dan bertamu ke rumah pejabat China.
Indonesia : "Rumah loe bagus juga, gaji loe kan gak segede gini, gimana bisa bangun rumah sebagus ini?
China : "Ikut gua ke balkon. Liat tuh jembatan (nunjuk jembatan)."
Indonesia : "Emangnya kenapa sama itu jembatan?"
China : "10% dana tuh jembatan masuk ke kantong gw makanya gw bisa bangun rumah keren kayak gini.."
Singkat cerita gantian giliran pejabat China yang datang ke tempat pejabat Indonesia.
China : (kaget)"Gila rumah loe bagus banget padahal kan gaji loe lebih kecil dari gw."
Indonesia : "Mau tau?? Ikut gw ke balkon. Liat tuh bendungan."
China : "(bingung)Mana bendungannya?!"
Indonesia : "Emang kagak ada, kan dana tuh bendungan udah masuk ke kantong gue semua. Jadi kagak gw bangun."
Pasukan Paling Berani
3 jendral besar sedang berkumpul di kapal induk militer AS yang sedang berlayar dilaut lepas, ketiganya berasal dari negara yang berbeda dan sedang menyombongkan kehebatan pasukan negaranya masing2.
Jendral pertama dari Rusia memanggil anak buahnya, kemudian anak buahnya itu disuruh berenang keliling kapal, lalu setelah selesai sang jendral Rusia berkata, "lihatkan prajurit kami, walaupun banyak hiunya tapi mereka tetap berani menantang bahaya".
Jendral AS gak mau kalah, dia menyuruh juga anak buahnya berenang keliling kapal 5x, setelah selesai dia pun membanggakan prajuritnya yang berani dari prajurit Rusia.
Jendral Indonesia pun gak mau ketinggalan, dia memanggil anak buahnya dan menyuruh mereka keliling 10x. Tiba2 anak buahnya berteriak pada jendralnya: "Pak, apa udah gila!!?? Ini kan banyak ikan hiunya.. Dasar, jendral ngowoh, pahpoh. Loe pasti dapat pangkat jendral dari hadiah kuaci yah!!!" Lalu anak buahnya langsung pergi.
Jendral Indonesia pun senyum2 sumringah dan berkata pada kedua jendral lainnya: "LIAT TUH, BERANIKAN..? MANA ADA ANAK BUAH LOE YANG BERANI MEMBANGKANG DAN NGATAIIN ATASANNYA.."
Permintaan Wanita dan Blackberry
Seorang wanita menemukan lampu Aladin. Dia mulai menggosoknya dan jin pun keluar seperti biasa. Wanita itu mengajukan permintaan kepada jin tersebut.
- Aku ingin agar mata suamiku hanya melihatku
- Aku ingin menjadi miliknya satu2nya
- Aku ingin suamiku selalu tidur disisiku
- Aku ingin kalau suamiku bangun di pagi hari, aku menjadi yang pertama yang dipegang dan dirabanya serta selalu diingat kapanpun....
Dan... whoosh!!
Jin mengubah wanita tersebut menjadi sebuah BlackBerry...!!
Muka Pas ML
Suatu ketika Susi dan Dina sedang ngobrol ngobrol sambil melepas lelah setelah seharian berjalan jalan di mall. Sepasang wanita ini melakukan percakapan yang agak sedikit nakal. Susi melontarkan pertanyaan yang sedikit nakal kepada Dina.
Susi : Diin...
Dina : Apaan ??
Susi : Hhm.. Gw mau tanya niih...
Dina : Apaan ?!
Susi : Hmm, loo suka liatin muka suami loe gak, pas Lagi ML ??
Dina : ???? Pernah sih, mukanya marah banget, Sus..
Susi : Hah? Seriusan loe? Kok marah, Din ??
Dina : Orang dia liatnya dari luar jendela.. (jawab dengan sante)
Susi : Pantesan aja.. Ketangkep loe lagi selingkuh..
Apa itu "What"?
Pada suatu hari di sekolah
Rudy : Bu, arti 'what' itu apa sih?
Bu Guru : apa
Rudy : haa?
Bu Guru : What itu artinya apa!
Rudy : Lohh kok ibu balik nanya?
Bu Guru : WHAT ITUUU ARTINYA "apa" !!!
Rudy : AMPUN DAH BU!! SAYA NANYA, IBU TANYA BALIK!
Bu Guru : CKCKCKCKCKCKCKC!! *stress*
-Akhirnya si rudy tahu arti What itu apa, pelajaran berikutnya ipa-
Rudy : Pak!! satuan listrik apa sih pak?
Pak Guru : watt
Rudy : SATUAN LISTRIK APA SIH PAK?
Pak Guru : WATT
Rudy: IIH BAPAK CONGEK ATAU TULI SIH??
Rudy : Bu, arti 'what' itu apa sih?
Bu Guru : apa
Rudy : haa?
Bu Guru : What itu artinya apa!
Rudy : Lohh kok ibu balik nanya?
Bu Guru : WHAT ITUUU ARTINYA "apa" !!!
Rudy : AMPUN DAH BU!! SAYA NANYA, IBU TANYA BALIK!
Bu Guru : CKCKCKCKCKCKCKC!! *stress*
-Akhirnya si rudy tahu arti What itu apa, pelajaran berikutnya ipa-
Rudy : Pak!! satuan listrik apa sih pak?
Pak Guru : watt
Rudy : SATUAN LISTRIK APA SIH PAK?
Pak Guru : WATT
Rudy: IIH BAPAK CONGEK ATAU TULI SIH??
Curangnya Orang-Orang Tua
Paling sebel deh kalo di acara PERNIKAHAN ketemu orang-orang tua, karena mereka selalu bertanya, "Kapan nyusul? Kapan nyusul?" Aku hanya menjawab "aku belum punya pacar".
Tapi ketika di acara PEMAKAMAN, aku gantian tanya ke mereka "Kapan nyusul? Kapan nyusul?" Eh, aku malah digampar.
Nikah Lagi
Malam setelah makan malam, Roni duduk di depan TV sambil berbual dengan isterinya.
Roni : “Kalau abang meninggal, ayang menikah lagi tak?”
Isteri : “Tentu saja tidak! Ayang akan duduk dengan adik perempuan Ayang. Abang kalau saya meninggal, abang nikah lagi tak?”
Roni : “Tentu sekali tidak, sama juga sama dengan ayang. Abang juga akan tinggal bersama dengan adik perempuan Ayang."
Tukang Ojek dan Tukang Nasi Goreng
TO : Tukang Ojek
NG : Tukang Nasi Goreng
Di suatu siang yang sangat terik,
TO: mas nasi goreng berapaan satu piring?
NG: 7000 perak mas,
TO: kalo 5000 bisa nggak mas?
NG: 5000 nggak pake telor mas.
TO: ya udah ngga papa mas.
Keesokan harinya tukang nasi goreng mau ke pasar naik ojek, kebetulan nemu sama tukang ojek yang sama,
NG; mas ke pasar berapaan?
TO; 5000 mas.
NG: 3000 boleh nggak?
TO: ya udah naik (dalam hati pelit amat nih orang).
Dijalan tukang ojek genjot motornya kenceng2 sampai tukang nasi gorengnya ketakutan, tiba2 ada mobil nyalip di depan,
NG: Rem mas, rem.
TO: 3000 nggak pake rem mas.
Gigi Palsu
Seorang nenek nenek menangis didepan nisan suaminya.
Cucu : Sudahlah Nek relakan kepergian kakek.
Nenek : Nenek sudah relakan tapi gigi palsu nenek masih dipakai kakekmu.
Saya Mau Naik Gaji
Pembantu : "Nyonya, saya mau minta naik gaji...!"
Nyonya : "kenapa saya harus naikkan gaji kamu?"
Pembantu : "ada 3 alasan nyonya..! Pertama saya membersihkan rumah lebih bersih daripada nyonya."
Nyonya : "Siapa yang bilang?".
Pembantu : "Tuan yang bilang".
Nyonya : Oh? (sambil menahan amarah)
Pembantu : "Kedua, saya memasak lebih enak daripada nyonya".
Nyonya : "Siapa yg bilang?".
Pembantu : "Tuan yg bilang".
Nyonya : oh? (..ggrrrrrkkk..!!!..)
Pembantu : "Ketiga, saya di ranjang lebih hebat daripada nyonya".
Nyonya : oh?! "Tuan juga yang bilang?".
Pembantu : "Bukan nyonya.. Tuan sebelah rumah yang bilang, katanya nyonya kurang hebat di ranjang"
Nyonya : "ssssstt!!! Kamu minta naik berapa?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)